Time to win this fight!!! Onederland here I come! I want to be 199 but Dec 31 it will happen :)

My mind is my own worst enemy, yet I have to live with and love her everyday. I dream of doing better, of being better... But the fuel for that is inside me and when that flame burns out. Well you stop. You have to decide, pick, choose....often you have 50% chance of picking right. Last year I couldn't fit in a bathtub I was so large. Embarrassing doesn't even describe the shame I felt knowing that. I want to be beautiful inside and out. I want to love my body.  That's hard considering what I see in the mirror. My scars remind me that the past is real. Stretch marks and extra skin aren't very attractive especially when I can't even say I've carried a baby. I have to start working out again and eating right. I know what this road leads to and I can't be her anymore. Smile, joy, happiness that's what I want to feel and enjoy. I have so much love to give! One step one choice at a time. I know the best is yet to come. :)

7 days until im 27!

In one week I will be 27 years old! EKKKKKK! I hope I can wear a pretty dress. I can't wait to see what number the scale tells me that day. My boyfriend and I have an offer accepted on a house we love. Fingers crossed that the financing goes through alright and its ours. My smile is unstoppable. I hope I make him just as happy as he makes me.

This journey is far from over...

It has been awhile since an update...but here we are today I am 195 pounds down! In about 8 months I believe....just wow. I was 407 pounds in December 2012 and the scale said a number closer to 200 than I have ever seen at 212 lbs. I was 250 plus in high school so in adult life this is the smallest I have ever been. I have dreamed on being able to put on a medium shirt...it has happened. I swear it was just wrong sized but I am mostly between L-XL depending on brand and item. So sad how much the clothing market plays with our minds about what size we are. We are all different and healthy is not a number on a scale or a pant size. I now have a boyfriend and we are actually getting our first home together soon. Offer was accepted Friday. : ) Hopefully this journey can continue just how I have always wanted...it is nice knowing that he has known me since preschool as we actually went to school together all these years. He accepts me for me...it is hard for me to do that everyday so I am glad someone is able to. It is a struggle with my lose skin I feel that is what gets me the most. Knowing you have done so great but you still don't feel "normal". One day hopefully I can afford the surgery and I can live life possibly less insecure about that part. I hope also to be able to use this journey to somehow make a movement of some kind. Mostly sharing how you never know what anyone has gone through or how they feel about themselves on the inside...just be kind. It will solve many things. Happy to say that heartbroken sweetheart is now able to be just sweetheart. Hopefully my boyfriend will one day call me that too. : )

7 month update! : )

7 months ago I decided to stop hating myself. It is still a struggle everyday but I know I have come further than I could have imagined. In this short time I have lost 180 pounds. That is faster than people on the biggest loser, other weight loss shows and even people who get gastric bypass surgery. You have choices in front of you everyday. Not just about food but about everything. Why do we pass by all that daily and get upset at the end of the day after all the wrong choices WE made? I know this will be a life long journey to loving myself and body. I am ready to change the world...just trying to find the necessary steps to get there now. Still more weight to lose and the best is still yet to come. One step at a time. : )

Little over 6 month update :)

Last week marked 6 months on the diet I started with the Cleveland Clinic instead of choosing gastric bypass my doctor and I decided to give the diet 6 months and decide if I should then go for surgery she thought that was a good option because I was over 400 pounds at that time, I weighed my heaviest at 407 a few days before seeing the doctor in December. I had not been to a doctor in 10 years prior to seeing her that day. I was very nervous but prepared, over prepared I was told..... no one has brought in a folder with a picture of them from the paper just a year prior 100 pounds down from diet and exercise. I had that and a recent diet attempt with a group that met weekly. I lost the first week and GAINED the rest of the challenge. Then all of a sudden the 100 lost turns into 125 gained. That was the old me though...6 months ago I couldn't look in the mirror at myself I was so embarrassed. I couldn't fit in a movie theater seat....restaurant booth...the list goes on. Walking upstairs sometimes made me cry. Again the old me. I have lost 167 pounds since the middle of December 2012 and I am ready to motivate someone else to change. I still dislike my body, but I have to figure out a way to love myself. My advice now is simple. Smile. It really can change the world.

Happy and sad.

138 pounds down in 153 days! = Happy

Still feeling worthless inside= Sad

You can start to look different, you can start to finally be able to look at the reflection in the mirror. But my inside feelings don't really change...they don't ever just go away. Why do the worthless feelings still fill my brain when I should be smiling every minute of the day.

I feel like a bitch....like a spoiled brat who has lived some amazing life getting whatever she wanted.....and today I feel like I have nothing. I want someone to want me. Someone to want to be around me. Someone who wont give up on me like all the others before.


I cant expect that though right? Why would anyone want to be with me when I feel worthless still.

101 POUNDS IN 103 DAYS!!!!!!!!!!

GOOOOOOOODMORNING! I am happy to report that I am now 101 pounds lighter since starting this new journey 103 days ago! 124 more to go to get to goal and I have no doubt in my mind that I will get there! I am ready to keep going and finally get to ONEDERLAND! One step at a time!

Just keep swimming...

Well, I finally got it....the dreaded sickness. Cough, Cold, Crud. Bleh! 

On a happier note I am 85 POUNDS DOWN!!!!! : ) 

I am so excited to finally be in the correct mindset for this journey I am improving my mind, body and soul daily. It is going so well thus far and I hope I can continue to keep up the good work. I am proud of the woman I am becoming and can't wait for my amazing future.

Due to this sickness the gym and I have not been able to be together recently I know this will effect my upcoming numbers but I must not let that get me down. 

I can do this, one step at a time.

Enjoy your week everyone!

Time for an update! : )

Hey there everyone! Well since starting my new journey on Dec 13th 2012 I have now lost 70 pounds! I could not be any happier! So excited to continue on this path and one day be free from all this weight I have been keeping onto!

One step at a time is so true, you just have to try.

: )

On the right path again!

Well 40 days ago I again started my life change process it has been a great journey thus far and I am excited to continue on at this point. I am smiling more and my confidence is slowly coming back! I am down 46 pounds so far and am ready to keep going!

I have made some positive changes in my life with my attitude and the doctors appointments seem to be helping greatly as well. Hopefully I am almost over this hump and can continue on becoming the greatest version of myself! She is inside me somewhere and soon she will be free! : )

Enjoy your week everyone I will hopefully have many more good updates soon!

One step at a time!