Failure?? NOT ME!

It didn't happen 200 pounds lost. It could have IF I fought but I didn't. I gave up, got comfortable and turned to food again. I am back up 70 pounds again. I hate myself....again...but it comes and goes. I know on the other hand I have lost almost 130 pounds this year!!! HOLY CRAP! That's awesome?! Right?? Oh well.


You again are the ONLY one making the choices to get where you go. Choose wisely should be my motto for 2014.

Time to try AGAIN! This fight is battle for life. I will win tho. one step....one choice at a time.


Lets go 2014! Time to shine baby shine!!!

Time to win this fight!!! Onederland here I come! I want to be 199 but Dec 31 it will happen :)

My mind is my own worst enemy, yet I have to live with and love her everyday. I dream of doing better, of being better... But the fuel for that is inside me and when that flame burns out. Well you stop. You have to decide, pick, choose....often you have 50% chance of picking right. Last year I couldn't fit in a bathtub I was so large. Embarrassing doesn't even describe the shame I felt knowing that. I want to be beautiful inside and out. I want to love my body.  That's hard considering what I see in the mirror. My scars remind me that the past is real. Stretch marks and extra skin aren't very attractive especially when I can't even say I've carried a baby. I have to start working out again and eating right. I know what this road leads to and I can't be her anymore. Smile, joy, happiness that's what I want to feel and enjoy. I have so much love to give! One step one choice at a time. I know the best is yet to come. :)

7 days until im 27!

In one week I will be 27 years old! EKKKKKK! I hope I can wear a pretty dress. I can't wait to see what number the scale tells me that day. My boyfriend and I have an offer accepted on a house we love. Fingers crossed that the financing goes through alright and its ours. My smile is unstoppable. I hope I make him just as happy as he makes me.

This journey is far from over...

It has been awhile since an update...but here we are today I am 195 pounds down! In about 8 months I believe....just wow. I was 407 pounds in December 2012 and the scale said a number closer to 200 than I have ever seen at 212 lbs. I was 250 plus in high school so in adult life this is the smallest I have ever been. I have dreamed on being able to put on a medium shirt...it has happened. I swear it was just wrong sized but I am mostly between L-XL depending on brand and item. So sad how much the clothing market plays with our minds about what size we are. We are all different and healthy is not a number on a scale or a pant size. I now have a boyfriend and we are actually getting our first home together soon. Offer was accepted Friday. : ) Hopefully this journey can continue just how I have always wanted...it is nice knowing that he has known me since preschool as we actually went to school together all these years. He accepts me for me...it is hard for me to do that everyday so I am glad someone is able to. It is a struggle with my lose skin I feel that is what gets me the most. Knowing you have done so great but you still don't feel "normal". One day hopefully I can afford the surgery and I can live life possibly less insecure about that part. I hope also to be able to use this journey to somehow make a movement of some kind. Mostly sharing how you never know what anyone has gone through or how they feel about themselves on the inside...just be kind. It will solve many things. Happy to say that heartbroken sweetheart is now able to be just sweetheart. Hopefully my boyfriend will one day call me that too. : )

7 month update! : )

7 months ago I decided to stop hating myself. It is still a struggle everyday but I know I have come further than I could have imagined. In this short time I have lost 180 pounds. That is faster than people on the biggest loser, other weight loss shows and even people who get gastric bypass surgery. You have choices in front of you everyday. Not just about food but about everything. Why do we pass by all that daily and get upset at the end of the day after all the wrong choices WE made? I know this will be a life long journey to loving myself and body. I am ready to change the world...just trying to find the necessary steps to get there now. Still more weight to lose and the best is still yet to come. One step at a time. : )

Little over 6 month update :)

Last week marked 6 months on the diet I started with the Cleveland Clinic instead of choosing gastric bypass my doctor and I decided to give the diet 6 months and decide if I should then go for surgery she thought that was a good option because I was over 400 pounds at that time, I weighed my heaviest at 407 a few days before seeing the doctor in December. I had not been to a doctor in 10 years prior to seeing her that day. I was very nervous but prepared, over prepared I was told..... no one has brought in a folder with a picture of them from the paper just a year prior 100 pounds down from diet and exercise. I had that and a recent diet attempt with a group that met weekly. I lost the first week and GAINED the rest of the challenge. Then all of a sudden the 100 lost turns into 125 gained. That was the old me though...6 months ago I couldn't look in the mirror at myself I was so embarrassed. I couldn't fit in a movie theater seat....restaurant booth...the list goes on. Walking upstairs sometimes made me cry. Again the old me. I have lost 167 pounds since the middle of December 2012 and I am ready to motivate someone else to change. I still dislike my body, but I have to figure out a way to love myself. My advice now is simple. Smile. It really can change the world.

Happy and sad.

138 pounds down in 153 days! = Happy

Still feeling worthless inside= Sad

You can start to look different, you can start to finally be able to look at the reflection in the mirror. But my inside feelings don't really change...they don't ever just go away. Why do the worthless feelings still fill my brain when I should be smiling every minute of the day.

I feel like a bitch....like a spoiled brat who has lived some amazing life getting whatever she wanted.....and today I feel like I have nothing. I want someone to want me. Someone to want to be around me. Someone who wont give up on me like all the others before.


I cant expect that though right? Why would anyone want to be with me when I feel worthless still.

101 POUNDS IN 103 DAYS!!!!!!!!!!

GOOOOOOOODMORNING! I am happy to report that I am now 101 pounds lighter since starting this new journey 103 days ago! 124 more to go to get to goal and I have no doubt in my mind that I will get there! I am ready to keep going and finally get to ONEDERLAND! One step at a time!

Just keep swimming...

Well, I finally got it....the dreaded sickness. Cough, Cold, Crud. Bleh! 

On a happier note I am 85 POUNDS DOWN!!!!! : ) 

I am so excited to finally be in the correct mindset for this journey I am improving my mind, body and soul daily. It is going so well thus far and I hope I can continue to keep up the good work. I am proud of the woman I am becoming and can't wait for my amazing future.

Due to this sickness the gym and I have not been able to be together recently I know this will effect my upcoming numbers but I must not let that get me down. 

I can do this, one step at a time.

Enjoy your week everyone!

Time for an update! : )

Hey there everyone! Well since starting my new journey on Dec 13th 2012 I have now lost 70 pounds! I could not be any happier! So excited to continue on this path and one day be free from all this weight I have been keeping onto!

One step at a time is so true, you just have to try.

: )

On the right path again!

Well 40 days ago I again started my life change process it has been a great journey thus far and I am excited to continue on at this point. I am smiling more and my confidence is slowly coming back! I am down 46 pounds so far and am ready to keep going!

I have made some positive changes in my life with my attitude and the doctors appointments seem to be helping greatly as well. Hopefully I am almost over this hump and can continue on becoming the greatest version of myself! She is inside me somewhere and soon she will be free! : )

Enjoy your week everyone I will hopefully have many more good updates soon!

One step at a time!

What is inside your book?

I feel each one of us is a book/story. We all have read a book at one point or another. Does the cover really tell you the whole story inside....NEVER.

Why do people look at people the same way and make their judgements on our book covers. Some books have been dropped...ripped...even just set down to collect dust.

We need to read some of these pages in a persons book before making a conclusion of each persons own story.

Before when people would look at the cover of my book (my body) and make their judgement on me I would get very angry, upset and sad. Quickly I might add.

Now I have different thoughts. It is their loss that they do not wish to open my book and read the story before making their choice on who I am.

I cannot control anyone else's thoughts, feelings or actions but my own.

Society makes it very hard for anyone facing weight issues to fully feel accepted at all times. Many people not just obese people get put down due to society today.
Take me for example....I am so scared to be seen in public that I have missed many events I would usually attend. This summer alone I missed an engagement party, baby shower, housewarming party and MULTIPLE offers to hang out with my friends outside of my apartment.

I fear those people who just toss my book aside, make very mean comments about my book cover. Those are the people I cannot be around. They do not know me, they have no clue how it feels to be in this 399 pound body. They call me things like lazy, worthless and gross.

I am much more than ANY of that. I am amazing. It took sometime to really be able to say that but it really is true.

Food has always been happiness in my eyes.

I sometimes wonder had I been made fun of/bullied in school about my weight if that would have made me change sooner. We cant find that out. Those years are gone. We also cant go back and re-raise me and show me the correct eating habits to have. I have pictures girls dream about having 11th grade I recieved Prom Stardust Sweetie and Senior year I was Basketball Homecoming Queen. I was shocked when I won but when the whole gym burst into cheers and screams my smile was unstoppable.

Sometimes it takes one person to really not give up on you for you to realize that you are worth it. Sometimes that person is a stranger. I've had many people who I have pushed away in my life and many people have also left on their own.

The mirror becomes easier to look into once you realized why you were hating the reflection for so long.

I am taking the necessary steps to get better. I have a doctors appointment lined up and it will be the first time seeing a doctor in almost 10 years....I want to make sure my body is able to do this. That appointment is December 4th which does seem so far away I know it will be here before I know it and I cant wait to finally be able to start my real Adventure to ONEderland.

Water weight is a wonderful thing coming off!

Since I was crazy into weight loss at one point in my life. Hopefully returning there soon. I have a love/hate realtionship with the scale (who doesnt right?) Anyhow I officially weighed in Sunday night at 393.8 (EYE OPENER) Now when I started my journey last time I was about 380 to start....so I have gained back at least 113 pounds. I will not beat myself up over this! I really believe I had to gain this back because I did it for the wrong reasons last time around this weight loss has to be for my and my health. Not about anything else! Well I know I shouldnt step on that scale everyday but I do anyhow for now. This morning she read 388.0 YAYYYY! 5.8 pounds one day! So this post is thanking water weight as it falls off my body because I know these huge numbers will not keep up! I can be excited about this and know exactly what is happening since this is the second time around!

I can do this! I will do this! ONE STEP AT A TIME!

One step at a time!

This journey is going to be a lifetime thing. I can not look at this in a time frame of expectations that can not be close to happening.

This weight will come off one step at a time. I have that tattoo on my foot reminding me constantly to take it as such. It might take years for me to get to goal but I WILL get there one day and I will look AMAZING!

My mental issues have come full circle this cycle of hating myself has to end NOW! I am an amazing person and I have someone in my corner who is reassuring me of that. Many family memebers and friends have always believed me in and I recently found out that my actions in the end blaming them for what I do to my self has to stop.

This is a new beginning, a fresh start. I will no longer hide behind emotions or feelings anymore. My time is now!

One day I will no longer be a heartbroken sweetheart and I am excited to see what life will feel like then.

One step at a time. : )

Choice

I have a choice to make. I can either do this or not. I don't want to live in between land anymore. I say daily I will start this again. I CAN do this. I HAVE to do this. I NEED to do this. Maybe a countdown isnt right for my journey. I need to give it as much time as it needs.

I am going to be the best version of myself thats who I was created to me. This starts today. This fight ends now.

It is time.

Why

Why can't I get into the right mind set to do this.
Why am I so scared what MIGHT happen if I get to goal.
Why do I care so much about wanting to become skinny.
Why...why....why.

I really don't know why I can't do this as before in 138 days I lost 100 pounds! 100 POUNDS! REALLY????!!!???

What made me start before? Why can't I seem to get there again. The scale showed me a number that actually scared me today. I am the heaviest I have been in my life. Why?

I wish there was a magic pill to make it go away. I can't even begin to explain how much I hate my body.

Some days I wish food wasnt required to live.

Skinny people dont understand they can't figure out why I can't eat right or exercise they find me disgusting and gross knowing I did this all to myself. I hate how right they are...I did this. Noone but me. I choose every item that goes into my mouth. sigh.

I will never win. I am fighting a losing battle from the beginning....I am my own worst enemy and I have to live with her everyday. How can I change my mind from being so self hating?

I want a new brain. period. one from a 120 pound model.

Letting go

I think its time to stop living in the past and carry on towards my wonderful future. Time to show the WORLD what I can and will do. I want to be happy I want to wake up everyday with a smile on my face. There are 217 days left in this year and I can do this. I can get to ONEderland.

ONE STEP AT A TIME.

My heart hurts...

Emotionally I would call myself broken....people are shocked when they find out I have never had a boyfriend....now I assume this is because they are my "friends" and just are being nice and think thats the reaction I want...I hear the youll find someone believe me blah blah blah blah oh and blah! This is usually after they are done talking about their husband or wife or girlfriend or boyfriend....thanks guys...see while you all do fun stuff and have someone to talk to and hang out with and love I have food. Don't get me wrong I have amazing family and friends but sometimes it just isnt enough....The only guys who ive "been" with have had girlfriends...(save the speech if you just got mad at me...believe me ive heard it enough) This is WONDERFUL for my mental state of mind knowing that a guy wants to be with me in the bedroom but im not good enough to be on his arm in public...yeah awesome news there. They never understand why I can't handle it while I get attached to their cuddling with me after an activity....but I should realize I am the only sleeping alone at night while they are safe and sound next to their girl. The chip on my shoulder gets deeper and deeper with every passing day everyone always blames the other girl they are so pissed at her when their boyfriend is the one who started contact with me? really? youre mad at me because your boyfriend is sneaking around on you....hmmm good one. They never leave them...I wait for the phone call or text to see him again to feel loved for however long he stays...the sad part is I love myself for a day after those nights where he "works late" then its over for sometimes weeks and I am not supposed to text or call him...no then his girlfriend would be suspicious right? I am worthless...how do people do it. I feel sorry for her...then pissed off because she gets him she gets to have him whenever she wants I have to wait around for him to get bored. I tell them they could cheat on me I tell him to just leave her I will give him everything he wants and he can even cheat on me I wont care...but thats not what they want they dont want someone ok with cheating he just loves doing it...he doesnt care about her but shes safe she doesnt know and she stays he gets her everynight if he was single he wouldnt have a sure thing....ugh pisses me off...I want to not deal with the world....Sometimes I wish I could work from home...I dont want to see the public anymore I just want to become a hermit see my family once in awhile...heartbroken for now.

tired, sad, depressed, confused, annoyed....and everything else.

As I sit here at work today I realize....I hate my life....I have nothing to be happy about other than that im still breathing. I am so bitter with the world I have no motivation to do anything...and I really mean anything. I hate even looking at myself in the mirror I just cry if I stare into my eyes for any period of time. Who is that person looking back at me? Why is she so sad? Why doesnt she care about herself anymore? Why should I is the real question...I have nothing to look forward to...I go to work...I come home. Repeat. Why dont I want to lose weight anymore? I worry I will hate myself even at goal weight so the work the hard hard hard work it will take to get there for what...so I can look at myself in a full body mirror and see skin hanging and be reminded that welp you still lose because youre still fucking ugly...noone will want to be with you looking like that....try again. I can't fall asleep at night...I always feel there is a presence in my room ever since my cousin died at a very young age almost 2 years ago...she didn't wake up...healthy active 10 year old...yes she was 10! She had a heart attack in her sleep and didnt wake up....I think about it often....I worry I wont wake up in the morning...now while most people would say well youre so depressed why does it matter if you wake up or not...I surprisingly dont want to die. I just dont want to see people...and be around happiness it makes me sick...mostly because half of it is a lie. I hate people who are happy and get to enjoy life while I sit at home and cry and wonder what I am doing.....anyhow Happy Monday everyone...just another day here in hate myself world.....

Last week was interesting?

What a horrible week...I think I need to run away to be able to lose this weight. I seem to "talk myself" into cheating everyday now with reasons like: Just don't get what you usually do, or this really isnt going to affect your weight that much. It sure does as I am up 4 pounds this morning. Speaking of that you know who I really "hate" people who need to lose less that 20 pounds! Seriously SCREW YOU! If i tried I could probably lose 20 pounds in one week if I pushed myself to the limits everyday but thats what I guess happens when you are 200 pounds overweight. I am just so mad at the world right now I hate everything. I don't know why I think if I had a guy I would feel better maybe thats just a front since noone is standing in a line outside my apartment waiting to get with me. It does tick me off that when I lost 100 pounds last year in  less than 5 months I might add that guys were looking at me differently and wanting to "hang out" ugh...another reason I gained back all the weight I lost. I hate being treated differently for losing 100 pounds now I know it was a big deal and it was good and blahblahblah I just want to know that someone would be with me at this weight instead. : (