What is inside your book?

I feel each one of us is a book/story. We all have read a book at one point or another. Does the cover really tell you the whole story inside....NEVER.

Why do people look at people the same way and make their judgements on our book covers. Some books have been dropped...ripped...even just set down to collect dust.

We need to read some of these pages in a persons book before making a conclusion of each persons own story.

Before when people would look at the cover of my book (my body) and make their judgement on me I would get very angry, upset and sad. Quickly I might add.

Now I have different thoughts. It is their loss that they do not wish to open my book and read the story before making their choice on who I am.

I cannot control anyone else's thoughts, feelings or actions but my own.

Society makes it very hard for anyone facing weight issues to fully feel accepted at all times. Many people not just obese people get put down due to society today.
Take me for example....I am so scared to be seen in public that I have missed many events I would usually attend. This summer alone I missed an engagement party, baby shower, housewarming party and MULTIPLE offers to hang out with my friends outside of my apartment.

I fear those people who just toss my book aside, make very mean comments about my book cover. Those are the people I cannot be around. They do not know me, they have no clue how it feels to be in this 399 pound body. They call me things like lazy, worthless and gross.

I am much more than ANY of that. I am amazing. It took sometime to really be able to say that but it really is true.

Food has always been happiness in my eyes.

I sometimes wonder had I been made fun of/bullied in school about my weight if that would have made me change sooner. We cant find that out. Those years are gone. We also cant go back and re-raise me and show me the correct eating habits to have. I have pictures girls dream about having 11th grade I recieved Prom Stardust Sweetie and Senior year I was Basketball Homecoming Queen. I was shocked when I won but when the whole gym burst into cheers and screams my smile was unstoppable.

Sometimes it takes one person to really not give up on you for you to realize that you are worth it. Sometimes that person is a stranger. I've had many people who I have pushed away in my life and many people have also left on their own.

The mirror becomes easier to look into once you realized why you were hating the reflection for so long.

I am taking the necessary steps to get better. I have a doctors appointment lined up and it will be the first time seeing a doctor in almost 10 years....I want to make sure my body is able to do this. That appointment is December 4th which does seem so far away I know it will be here before I know it and I cant wait to finally be able to start my real Adventure to ONEderland.

Water weight is a wonderful thing coming off!

Since I was crazy into weight loss at one point in my life. Hopefully returning there soon. I have a love/hate realtionship with the scale (who doesnt right?) Anyhow I officially weighed in Sunday night at 393.8 (EYE OPENER) Now when I started my journey last time I was about 380 to start....so I have gained back at least 113 pounds. I will not beat myself up over this! I really believe I had to gain this back because I did it for the wrong reasons last time around this weight loss has to be for my and my health. Not about anything else! Well I know I shouldnt step on that scale everyday but I do anyhow for now. This morning she read 388.0 YAYYYY! 5.8 pounds one day! So this post is thanking water weight as it falls off my body because I know these huge numbers will not keep up! I can be excited about this and know exactly what is happening since this is the second time around!

I can do this! I will do this! ONE STEP AT A TIME!

One step at a time!

This journey is going to be a lifetime thing. I can not look at this in a time frame of expectations that can not be close to happening.

This weight will come off one step at a time. I have that tattoo on my foot reminding me constantly to take it as such. It might take years for me to get to goal but I WILL get there one day and I will look AMAZING!

My mental issues have come full circle this cycle of hating myself has to end NOW! I am an amazing person and I have someone in my corner who is reassuring me of that. Many family memebers and friends have always believed me in and I recently found out that my actions in the end blaming them for what I do to my self has to stop.

This is a new beginning, a fresh start. I will no longer hide behind emotions or feelings anymore. My time is now!

One day I will no longer be a heartbroken sweetheart and I am excited to see what life will feel like then.

One step at a time. : )

Choice

I have a choice to make. I can either do this or not. I don't want to live in between land anymore. I say daily I will start this again. I CAN do this. I HAVE to do this. I NEED to do this. Maybe a countdown isnt right for my journey. I need to give it as much time as it needs.

I am going to be the best version of myself thats who I was created to me. This starts today. This fight ends now.

It is time.

Why

Why can't I get into the right mind set to do this.
Why am I so scared what MIGHT happen if I get to goal.
Why do I care so much about wanting to become skinny.
Why...why....why.

I really don't know why I can't do this as before in 138 days I lost 100 pounds! 100 POUNDS! REALLY????!!!???

What made me start before? Why can't I seem to get there again. The scale showed me a number that actually scared me today. I am the heaviest I have been in my life. Why?

I wish there was a magic pill to make it go away. I can't even begin to explain how much I hate my body.

Some days I wish food wasnt required to live.

Skinny people dont understand they can't figure out why I can't eat right or exercise they find me disgusting and gross knowing I did this all to myself. I hate how right they are...I did this. Noone but me. I choose every item that goes into my mouth. sigh.

I will never win. I am fighting a losing battle from the beginning....I am my own worst enemy and I have to live with her everyday. How can I change my mind from being so self hating?

I want a new brain. period. one from a 120 pound model.

Letting go

I think its time to stop living in the past and carry on towards my wonderful future. Time to show the WORLD what I can and will do. I want to be happy I want to wake up everyday with a smile on my face. There are 217 days left in this year and I can do this. I can get to ONEderland.

ONE STEP AT A TIME.

My heart hurts...

Emotionally I would call myself broken....people are shocked when they find out I have never had a boyfriend....now I assume this is because they are my "friends" and just are being nice and think thats the reaction I want...I hear the youll find someone believe me blah blah blah blah oh and blah! This is usually after they are done talking about their husband or wife or girlfriend or boyfriend....thanks guys...see while you all do fun stuff and have someone to talk to and hang out with and love I have food. Don't get me wrong I have amazing family and friends but sometimes it just isnt enough....The only guys who ive "been" with have had girlfriends...(save the speech if you just got mad at me...believe me ive heard it enough) This is WONDERFUL for my mental state of mind knowing that a guy wants to be with me in the bedroom but im not good enough to be on his arm in public...yeah awesome news there. They never understand why I can't handle it while I get attached to their cuddling with me after an activity....but I should realize I am the only sleeping alone at night while they are safe and sound next to their girl. The chip on my shoulder gets deeper and deeper with every passing day everyone always blames the other girl they are so pissed at her when their boyfriend is the one who started contact with me? really? youre mad at me because your boyfriend is sneaking around on you....hmmm good one. They never leave them...I wait for the phone call or text to see him again to feel loved for however long he stays...the sad part is I love myself for a day after those nights where he "works late" then its over for sometimes weeks and I am not supposed to text or call him...no then his girlfriend would be suspicious right? I am worthless...how do people do it. I feel sorry for her...then pissed off because she gets him she gets to have him whenever she wants I have to wait around for him to get bored. I tell them they could cheat on me I tell him to just leave her I will give him everything he wants and he can even cheat on me I wont care...but thats not what they want they dont want someone ok with cheating he just loves doing it...he doesnt care about her but shes safe she doesnt know and she stays he gets her everynight if he was single he wouldnt have a sure thing....ugh pisses me off...I want to not deal with the world....Sometimes I wish I could work from home...I dont want to see the public anymore I just want to become a hermit see my family once in awhile...heartbroken for now.

tired, sad, depressed, confused, annoyed....and everything else.

As I sit here at work today I realize....I hate my life....I have nothing to be happy about other than that im still breathing. I am so bitter with the world I have no motivation to do anything...and I really mean anything. I hate even looking at myself in the mirror I just cry if I stare into my eyes for any period of time. Who is that person looking back at me? Why is she so sad? Why doesnt she care about herself anymore? Why should I is the real question...I have nothing to look forward to...I go to work...I come home. Repeat. Why dont I want to lose weight anymore? I worry I will hate myself even at goal weight so the work the hard hard hard work it will take to get there for what...so I can look at myself in a full body mirror and see skin hanging and be reminded that welp you still lose because youre still fucking ugly...noone will want to be with you looking like that....try again. I can't fall asleep at night...I always feel there is a presence in my room ever since my cousin died at a very young age almost 2 years ago...she didn't wake up...healthy active 10 year old...yes she was 10! She had a heart attack in her sleep and didnt wake up....I think about it often....I worry I wont wake up in the morning...now while most people would say well youre so depressed why does it matter if you wake up or not...I surprisingly dont want to die. I just dont want to see people...and be around happiness it makes me sick...mostly because half of it is a lie. I hate people who are happy and get to enjoy life while I sit at home and cry and wonder what I am doing.....anyhow Happy Monday everyone...just another day here in hate myself world.....

Last week was interesting?

What a horrible week...I think I need to run away to be able to lose this weight. I seem to "talk myself" into cheating everyday now with reasons like: Just don't get what you usually do, or this really isnt going to affect your weight that much. It sure does as I am up 4 pounds this morning. Speaking of that you know who I really "hate" people who need to lose less that 20 pounds! Seriously SCREW YOU! If i tried I could probably lose 20 pounds in one week if I pushed myself to the limits everyday but thats what I guess happens when you are 200 pounds overweight. I am just so mad at the world right now I hate everything. I don't know why I think if I had a guy I would feel better maybe thats just a front since noone is standing in a line outside my apartment waiting to get with me. It does tick me off that when I lost 100 pounds last year in  less than 5 months I might add that guys were looking at me differently and wanting to "hang out" ugh...another reason I gained back all the weight I lost. I hate being treated differently for losing 100 pounds now I know it was a big deal and it was good and blahblahblah I just want to know that someone would be with me at this weight instead. : (

Slip up

Well last night was going well. Or so I thought. I ended up talking myself into it being ok for me to go to BK last night...bad mistake but it happens once the money was spent and I was back at my apartment it was free game...double cheeseburger meal large with a diet coke 10 piece nugget medium onion ring...now while some people read this and think holy cow that is a lot of food...that was actually a small "binge" for me. Had this happened 2 week ago it would have been a tbell (2 tacos, cheesy fiesta potatoes) Arbys (roast beef sandwich, large curly fry, small moz sticks) and mcdonalds (10 nugget meal large with a diet coke or sweet tea) yes I would eat all of this....sometimes I would throw in a jr bacon cheeseburger as well....all in the same meal. Not many people know this about me...ok I think maybe 3 people know but never say anything because honestly if they told me to stop I would probably go get more food. I dont know what it is about sitting in my car hating myself and shoveling food into my mouth that makes me feel better for 15 seconds but it does. I feel like food is the only thing that has been there for me when im lonely its there it never says no it is always ready to make me feel better for that time that im down....but really its a snowball effect because i regret the eating after its all gone and the bags are left behind staring me in the face like you really just ate all that you pig....ugh. Then I make a choice...go throw up or deal with it and the 3 pounds it might put on my already huge belly...the lazy girl in me usually picks the deal with it game....but sometimes the fighter in me goes and shoves her finger down my throat making it all come back up. I just want happiness and it is always just out of my grasp. See when you are as big as I am the 200 pounds I would like to lose in these 35 weeks seem like the great wall of China...how am I ever going to get across...but maybe if  I would just stop complaining about all the reasons why I shouldn't try to cross it I could have started and maybe been over halfway by now....One Step At A Time....

The beginning

So where to start....like I said before I have always been "heavy" but that doesnt mean I wasnt active in my life. I played softball when I was little, I played volleyball in Middle School and I was actually good. I also played softball in High School which to be honest I miss. I had never had a boyfriend besides your best friend one you know? Which im 25 now and we are still good friends...I had never been kissed (until Homecoming night in 2004 when I won Homecoming Queen (while wearing probably a size 22 I might add.) I was pretty popular in High School actually or what I thought was popular....I had friends from every group. Anyhow after High School I felt I couldnt afford College so I went and get a job. I started at a carlot and enjoyed what I did. I have been in the business ever since. Sometimes I regret it, not going to college that is...I do want to make more money (everyone does right?) I just connect that with happiness im not sure why. No boyfriend, Never been kissed, overweight, but tons of "friends"...thats where we left off. I do blame my weight gain on things that have happened in my life, I dont know if thats a good thing or not but I am a very emotional eater.

More to come...

Starting out

Well it is day 5 of my Adventure, I am down 10 pounds already. Usually by this time I am crabby and ready to kill anyone who mentions food. I am not sure why this time is different, I started taking St. Johns Wort for depression and I know it takes up to 6 weeks for that to work. I want these next 246 days (taking us to January 1st 2013) to go by fast. I am ready to get to ONEderland the land that I don't feel I have ever been in. I have been big for as long as I can remember always way bigger sizes then my friends which really gets to you after too long. I have alot of emotional issues that I will be going over on here later as I am sure my life story is a little much for a first post...maybe post 2 can be for that and all the drama I have been in that probably is my own fault most of the time.