Letting go

I think its time to stop living in the past and carry on towards my wonderful future. Time to show the WORLD what I can and will do. I want to be happy I want to wake up everyday with a smile on my face. There are 217 days left in this year and I can do this. I can get to ONEderland.

ONE STEP AT A TIME.

My heart hurts...

Emotionally I would call myself broken....people are shocked when they find out I have never had a boyfriend....now I assume this is because they are my "friends" and just are being nice and think thats the reaction I want...I hear the youll find someone believe me blah blah blah blah oh and blah! This is usually after they are done talking about their husband or wife or girlfriend or boyfriend....thanks guys...see while you all do fun stuff and have someone to talk to and hang out with and love I have food. Don't get me wrong I have amazing family and friends but sometimes it just isnt enough....The only guys who ive "been" with have had girlfriends...(save the speech if you just got mad at me...believe me ive heard it enough) This is WONDERFUL for my mental state of mind knowing that a guy wants to be with me in the bedroom but im not good enough to be on his arm in public...yeah awesome news there. They never understand why I can't handle it while I get attached to their cuddling with me after an activity....but I should realize I am the only sleeping alone at night while they are safe and sound next to their girl. The chip on my shoulder gets deeper and deeper with every passing day everyone always blames the other girl they are so pissed at her when their boyfriend is the one who started contact with me? really? youre mad at me because your boyfriend is sneaking around on you....hmmm good one. They never leave them...I wait for the phone call or text to see him again to feel loved for however long he stays...the sad part is I love myself for a day after those nights where he "works late" then its over for sometimes weeks and I am not supposed to text or call him...no then his girlfriend would be suspicious right? I am worthless...how do people do it. I feel sorry for her...then pissed off because she gets him she gets to have him whenever she wants I have to wait around for him to get bored. I tell them they could cheat on me I tell him to just leave her I will give him everything he wants and he can even cheat on me I wont care...but thats not what they want they dont want someone ok with cheating he just loves doing it...he doesnt care about her but shes safe she doesnt know and she stays he gets her everynight if he was single he wouldnt have a sure thing....ugh pisses me off...I want to not deal with the world....Sometimes I wish I could work from home...I dont want to see the public anymore I just want to become a hermit see my family once in awhile...heartbroken for now.

tired, sad, depressed, confused, annoyed....and everything else.

As I sit here at work today I realize....I hate my life....I have nothing to be happy about other than that im still breathing. I am so bitter with the world I have no motivation to do anything...and I really mean anything. I hate even looking at myself in the mirror I just cry if I stare into my eyes for any period of time. Who is that person looking back at me? Why is she so sad? Why doesnt she care about herself anymore? Why should I is the real question...I have nothing to look forward to...I go to work...I come home. Repeat. Why dont I want to lose weight anymore? I worry I will hate myself even at goal weight so the work the hard hard hard work it will take to get there for what...so I can look at myself in a full body mirror and see skin hanging and be reminded that welp you still lose because youre still fucking ugly...noone will want to be with you looking like that....try again. I can't fall asleep at night...I always feel there is a presence in my room ever since my cousin died at a very young age almost 2 years ago...she didn't wake up...healthy active 10 year old...yes she was 10! She had a heart attack in her sleep and didnt wake up....I think about it often....I worry I wont wake up in the morning...now while most people would say well youre so depressed why does it matter if you wake up or not...I surprisingly dont want to die. I just dont want to see people...and be around happiness it makes me sick...mostly because half of it is a lie. I hate people who are happy and get to enjoy life while I sit at home and cry and wonder what I am doing.....anyhow Happy Monday everyone...just another day here in hate myself world.....

Last week was interesting?

What a horrible week...I think I need to run away to be able to lose this weight. I seem to "talk myself" into cheating everyday now with reasons like: Just don't get what you usually do, or this really isnt going to affect your weight that much. It sure does as I am up 4 pounds this morning. Speaking of that you know who I really "hate" people who need to lose less that 20 pounds! Seriously SCREW YOU! If i tried I could probably lose 20 pounds in one week if I pushed myself to the limits everyday but thats what I guess happens when you are 200 pounds overweight. I am just so mad at the world right now I hate everything. I don't know why I think if I had a guy I would feel better maybe thats just a front since noone is standing in a line outside my apartment waiting to get with me. It does tick me off that when I lost 100 pounds last year in  less than 5 months I might add that guys were looking at me differently and wanting to "hang out" ugh...another reason I gained back all the weight I lost. I hate being treated differently for losing 100 pounds now I know it was a big deal and it was good and blahblahblah I just want to know that someone would be with me at this weight instead. : (

Slip up

Well last night was going well. Or so I thought. I ended up talking myself into it being ok for me to go to BK last night...bad mistake but it happens once the money was spent and I was back at my apartment it was free game...double cheeseburger meal large with a diet coke 10 piece nugget medium onion ring...now while some people read this and think holy cow that is a lot of food...that was actually a small "binge" for me. Had this happened 2 week ago it would have been a tbell (2 tacos, cheesy fiesta potatoes) Arbys (roast beef sandwich, large curly fry, small moz sticks) and mcdonalds (10 nugget meal large with a diet coke or sweet tea) yes I would eat all of this....sometimes I would throw in a jr bacon cheeseburger as well....all in the same meal. Not many people know this about me...ok I think maybe 3 people know but never say anything because honestly if they told me to stop I would probably go get more food. I dont know what it is about sitting in my car hating myself and shoveling food into my mouth that makes me feel better for 15 seconds but it does. I feel like food is the only thing that has been there for me when im lonely its there it never says no it is always ready to make me feel better for that time that im down....but really its a snowball effect because i regret the eating after its all gone and the bags are left behind staring me in the face like you really just ate all that you pig....ugh. Then I make a choice...go throw up or deal with it and the 3 pounds it might put on my already huge belly...the lazy girl in me usually picks the deal with it game....but sometimes the fighter in me goes and shoves her finger down my throat making it all come back up. I just want happiness and it is always just out of my grasp. See when you are as big as I am the 200 pounds I would like to lose in these 35 weeks seem like the great wall of China...how am I ever going to get across...but maybe if  I would just stop complaining about all the reasons why I shouldn't try to cross it I could have started and maybe been over halfway by now....One Step At A Time....