tired, sad, depressed, confused, annoyed....and everything else.

As I sit here at work today I realize....I hate my life....I have nothing to be happy about other than that im still breathing. I am so bitter with the world I have no motivation to do anything...and I really mean anything. I hate even looking at myself in the mirror I just cry if I stare into my eyes for any period of time. Who is that person looking back at me? Why is she so sad? Why doesnt she care about herself anymore? Why should I is the real question...I have nothing to look forward to...I go to work...I come home. Repeat. Why dont I want to lose weight anymore? I worry I will hate myself even at goal weight so the work the hard hard hard work it will take to get there for what...so I can look at myself in a full body mirror and see skin hanging and be reminded that welp you still lose because youre still fucking ugly...noone will want to be with you looking like that....try again. I can't fall asleep at night...I always feel there is a presence in my room ever since my cousin died at a very young age almost 2 years ago...she didn't wake up...healthy active 10 year old...yes she was 10! She had a heart attack in her sleep and didnt wake up....I think about it often....I worry I wont wake up in the morning...now while most people would say well youre so depressed why does it matter if you wake up or not...I surprisingly dont want to die. I just dont want to see people...and be around happiness it makes me sick...mostly because half of it is a lie. I hate people who are happy and get to enjoy life while I sit at home and cry and wonder what I am doing.....anyhow Happy Monday everyone...just another day here in hate myself world.....